Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
