You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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