Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
