WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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