Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
