I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
