Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
