You're my little dorito
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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