genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
