She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
