My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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