I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
