i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
