I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
