if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
