his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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