So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
