No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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