Umm I'm too high to move.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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