I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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