capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
