i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
