The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
