I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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