mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
