We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
