Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
