I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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