Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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