Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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