My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
