haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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