You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
