my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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