doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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