im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
