He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
