Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
