The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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