Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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