Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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