it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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