I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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