I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Randomize
