i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
