Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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