Soap is not a condiment
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Let's paint friendship bongs
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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