Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
