i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
