My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize