tell your sister to shave her snatch
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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