Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize