Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
