He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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