you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
