Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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