You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
