textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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