U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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