dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
