I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
