dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
