That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
