Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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