you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
i think my cat just said my name.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
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