I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
