It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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