you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
