Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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