I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
