I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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