Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
