Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
